My life is like a Bond film, except for the violence, the glamour or vice,
But I do work with a guy, with one gammy eye, like the one in You Only Live Twice.
I have had some odd jobs to pay the occasional bill,
Though I had a license to drive a fork-lift, and never a License To Kill.
My car went off a jetty once, like that lotus in the Spy Who Loved Me,
But my sleek machine was no submarine, it just stayed there and voided its warranty.
My mate Dave’s a baker, at Easter he tries to be fun,
He’s no killer assassin, Scaramanga or Jaws, he’s the Man with the Hot Cross Bun.
I’m no super spy, living life on the edge, I tend to just go with the flow,
With my asthma, I asked should I live to the max, answer, wife yes, Dr No.
In Thunderball they scuba dived, in Greece I once went for a snorkel,
I lost my left flipper, two minutes in, and just swam round in one great big circle.
I have had a sty in my right Goldeneye, dislocated my left index Goldfinger,
Had a nasty Skyfall off a small garden wall, the Spectre of which does still linger.
I play bingo at Mecca, not Casino Royale, you could say it’s For Your Eyes Down Only,
It’s Live and Let Die when you’re one off a row, this life that I lead can be lonely.
I suppose I do have one thing 007 does not, the love of my life, my Octopussy,
She’s my Quantum of Solace, my Pussy Galore, I’m just lucky she isn’t that fussy.
For my Tomorrow Never Dies, when she serves up a shepherd’s pie, and I’d Die Another Day if I betrayed her,
‘Cos she’d kick my Living Daylights to the Moonraker and back, and leave me sorely in the need of a first aider.
The World is Not Enough to tempt me into James Bond’s life, but the Diamonds Are Forever I’ve been told,
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, I might have a thrilling time, but for recruitment now I’m surely far too old.
I don’t want a View To A Kill, I prefer a view of a hill, to be honest it all sounds a dreadful pain,
I’m happy with it all just the way it is, but then they do say, Never Say Never Again.
Chris Hughes 2016