Tag Archives: comedy

The Ballad of Daisy Dickinson

Little Daisy Dickinson was a pretty, happy, child,

Her temperament quite normal, her manner rather mild.

She loved her little dollies and she loved her Mum and Dad,

And if they didn’t love her back it made her feel quite sad.

 

They told her she was pretty and they dressed her up in lace,

They wrapped her in designer togs and painted makeup on her face.

She was special and she knew it, she could see their proud expressions,

Their smiles enhanced by whitening and years of tanning sessions.

 

Then in her teens she realised the importance of good looks,

It was only boring loners that were interested in books.

Daisy wore high heels and lipstick, and she padded out her bra,

And chose her boyfriend carefully, on the value of his car.

 

She scanned all social media for trends and new pretensions,

Had collagen, and spray tan, and nail and hair extensions.

Her makeup was a work of art, foundation, concealer and shimmer,

With expert use of shadows she could make the thick bits thinner.

 

All body hair was waxed away to keep her silky smooth,

And dental braces hammered in to straighten every tooth.

Daisy dieted and exercised, was pummelled, stretched and hoovered,

There was no portion of her body that she hadn’t had manoeuvred.

 

She took selfies in her bathroom mirror and posted them online,

Pouting like a starving duck, with a glass of chilled white wine.

Her role models, celebrities, she studied every move,

Judging their choices, critiquing their lives, deciding which ones to approve.

 

She polished, plucked and painted, every contour, every inch,

Her body was tight, no flab and no fat, there was nothing your fingers could pinch.

And yet, something was missing, a hole in her soul, a feeling of loss and despair,

Something that couldn’t be answered by simply recolouring her hair.

 

It was fame she was craving, adoration and money,

But Daisy wasn’t clever, couldn’t sing, act or be funny.

She pondered the problem and it came in a flash,

A sex tape was how she could get hold of the cash.

 

She hung out in nightclubs, and searched out her prey,

A premier-league footballer would show her the way.

The bigger the scandal, the bigger the splash,

So she hunted the married ones, out on the lash.

 

She flirted and fluttered and swivelled her hips,

She spoke like a baby and moistened her lips.

And when it was done, she uploaded the media,

And added some details to make it sound seedier.

 

She posed for the papers, and cashed in the story,

She appeared in lad’s mags as she basked in the glory.

She had fame, for a moment, it came and it went,

And the money was brilliant, until it was spent.

 

But then, back to the shadows, out of the light,

Back where survival’s a terrible fight.

Her legacy in tatters and her reputation gone,

She refused to learn her lesson, she still did not catch on.

 

For beauty fades and glory’s fleeting,

It’s a battle you can fight but it will always be defeating.

For there’s only so much slap that you can plaster on the cracks,

And in the end, each of us, has to face up to the facts.

 

It’s not what’s on the outside that should make us good or great,

It’s who we are and what we do, that’s the measure of our fate.

For Daisy, like a Christmas tree, with tinsel around it tied,

Had a bright and shiny outer, but was empty and dead, on the inside.

 

Chris Hughes 2016

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Ice Bucket Challenge

Yes, it finally got round to me.

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, where you pour a bucket of water/ice over your head for charity, came into my life yesterday when my uncle Ed Borking nominated me, as well as my cousin Mark and my son Elliott.

Not being one to walk away from a challenge – actually that’s not true. I always walk away from a challenge if it sounds stupid. I’m quite happy to delete chain letters, refuse drinking games and shrug off those Facebook posts that ask you to re-post to prove you care about some horrendous injustice.

As I’m also getting on a bit now and less impressed by crazes and fashion trends, now I come to think about it, it’s quite unusual for me to actually accept a challenge, but for some strange reason this one has caught my imagination. I think it’s really impressive how social media has been utilised to raise funds for a good cause rather than just swap selfies – is it me or does that sound a bit rude?

So when the challenge came my way, I accepted. I think part of the charm of this process is that you have to be nominated. Someone has to pick you. It’s like joining an elite club, including lot’s of sexy celebrities, which always makes things more interesting – apparently.

Like all the best ideas, it’s simple, and at the time of writing it’s raised $50 million, which is very impressive.

I tried to do my challenge with a bit of style and humour – I hope you like it, oh and I also donated £20, which is the most important part lets remember.

Ice Bucket Challenge1

Chris

Sarah Millican and Eurovision

I’ve been busy this week building my camera jib (see my Shining Tor blog), so no time till now to update my blog.

Last week’s adventure was seeing Sarah Millican at the Manchester Apollo. These were tickets generously given to my sister Beverley and myself from my Dad. In fact these were our Christmas presents from 2012. Yes, 2012!

Apparently, the 2013 tour was sold out, so ever-resourceful, my Dad got the tickets for the following year. I don’t know how long Sarah Millican books her shows in advance, perhaps you can already get a good seat for her retirement show?

The show was excellent, Sarah was hysterical but not many of the jokes can be repeated. Apologies for the terrible photo, but it’s hard to take a selfie in dark theatre.

Yesterday we held a Eurovision party for a few friends. Clare loves Eurovision and this was her idea. We printed off scorecards and settled down with a few beers and nibbles to enjoy the show.

Our friend Heather raised the question ‘what constitutes nibbles?

Not a meal obviously, but does it include hot food? Should nibbles always be cold and eaten with your hands? Heather suggested that nibbles was just a posh term for crisps – these are the high level conversations we often have, aren’t you jealous?

There was some debate on our scoring system but we were soon organised and ready to go.

Highlights included trampolining boy bands, dancers in hamster wheels, singers up ladders, trapeze artists, twins on a seesaw and Poland’s attempt to gain votes by  having two busty girls churn butter, or something, to distract from the song – my favourite!

Actually, amidst all the madness there was some good songs, Sweden and Netherlands were especially good.

Forget about the voting, it’s always a bit annoying, the winner was an Austrian drag act with a beard, singing a knock-off bond theme.

We had a great time, lots of laughs  and for once, I actually enjoyed Eurovision.

Until next time,

Chris